I haven’t posted in a while. Well, I have been busy…sort of. After the last dose of chemotherapy, I was pretty depressed. It wasn’t because of anything really big but it felt big to me. So, each time I do chemotherapy I have to see the Oncologist first so that he can submit an order for it. Quite frankly, I don’t like him. However, he has taught me something very important.
There is a huge difference between a doctor and a healer. My doctor is always focused on the prognosis. He is quick to point out that despite the uplifting and miraculous news of my lungs being totally free of cancer, “stage 4 metastatic breast cancer still has a prognosis of about 5 years.” He talks about research and new information coming out. He worries only about the science of it all. Let me tell you, it is never easy to be reminded by your doctor that your prognosis is “about 5 years.” Then, he goes on to tell me that because the chemotherapy is working it has now become “indefinite.” Yep! You read that correctly. I will stay on chemotherapy until one of two things happens, either it stops working or I die. Neither one of those options sound very good to me.
I spent the first week just being mad. I was mad that I don’t have any hair, nor will I. I was mad that I have to have this horrible feeling in my feet and hands. I was mad that I feel tired and worn out and that’s before I get out of be. Really, what it comes down to is that I was mad that my doctor refused to acknowledge that the faith of all the people out there pulling for me is working better than his stupid medicine.
Josue. on the other hand, is a healer. He knew just what to do. He called into action my family and friends within hours of my first tears. My phone was so flooded by family that I had to shut it off to sleep. He talked only of faith and miracles and hope. He spoke about my kids and the power of the priesthood. He was at my side and then he called in the secret weapon, Mom.
She came with every intention of helping me to stop thinking about myself. We made a quilt for her first great-grandchild. If you aren’t aware Sarah, Ann’s daughter is having a little boy in August. The biggest blessing turned out to be the visit from my sister, Karen, for her daughter’s softball tournament. We dropped what we were doing to spend the day frozen in St. Anthony cheering for Kylee to take second place in the tournament. I was stoked when Karen called later to let me know that Kylee and Eric would be back in two weeks for another tournament in Idaho Falls.
During the two weeks, Josue kept me busy with little projects and the arrival of his mother, Ana. She is now living with us. I know that receiving your mother-in-law into your home could be rough for some but mine is a blessing. She never tries to be my mom. She plays with my kids because she loves them and even spends time teaching them to play the piano. She got a job and is staying busy but is the first to help around the house. In fact, she is way more help than my constantly complaining children who think chores are some type of horrible punishment for being born into our family.
Then came the second softball tournament. We spent Friday being pelted by dust from wind and Saturday we were cooking in the sun. It was awesome. It was so much fun that I was sad to see them leave. We even watched a couple of the games after Kylee’s team was eliminated because we were having so much fun. The best part was that Marina enjoyed the games so well that she has the entire neighborhood of kids playing softball in the yards. They use a plastic bat and ball as we don’t have much room. She even includes the moms as “empires” as she can’t remember they are called “umpires.” Eric, my brother-in-law, gave her a softball at the games and she has carried it around from house to house and in the car with her for the past week.
So, why haven’t I written, because my healer helped me forget about myself and get to work. I was building memories with my family. I am feeling good. I have some nasty neuropathy in my feet but the neuropathy in my hands has reduced drastically as they have reduced the chemotherapy dose by 10%. Other than that, I still have no hair and I get tired but I can see the positives. I take way less time to get ready and my Sunday naps are way more appreciated. I know I have to keep seeing a doctor but I think I’ll keep my healer with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been drafting something to post but haven’t felt like it is quite right…it’s a little more personal and I want it to be as perfectly expressed as possible when I post…so all of you can hang in there, I am.